


You Won't See Me Fall Apart

by outlawofideal



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Honestly all my things are rockstar au..., M/M, Pancakes, Rockstar!Ashton, Smut, i don't thing it's triggering in anyway but a little sad so...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-11
Updated: 2015-04-11
Packaged: 2018-03-22 09:00:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3723040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outlawofideal/pseuds/outlawofideal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He drinks the coffee from an hour earlier while waiting because no one wants fresh coffee at midnight. It takes more than usual for him to appear. But he is here and it's real again. </p><p>Or the one Calum always waits for Ashton to come back, when it happens everything is usually better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Won't See Me Fall Apart

**Author's Note:**

> So one day I decided we needed more Cashton in our life so enjoy... I didn't read it properly before posting so I'm sorry for mistakes.

It's dark aside the stage. People are crazy, dancing along the songs, drinking more than any other crowd. This is the biggest show that he has ever been and it makes him proud, seeing the drummer creating the most amazing beats up there, watching him move from a distance. Calum's enjoying to be a part of the crowd; he's a fan just like the people surrounding him. Even though the drummer offered him backstage pass countless times, he has always passed them. It's more fun this way. The music around him surrounds him magically, it sounds as nice away from the amps as the backstage. But it's around midnight and he knows the set list is nearly over.

                It takes about twenty minutes whole thing to wrap up. He watches the people leaving the place one by one. He has time before he has to catch up with the schedule has. He finishes his beer slowly, and then leaves with the last people leaving the concert hall.

 He walks on the dark, lonely streets, pushing his freezing fingers into the pockets of his denim jacket. He’s not sure why chose this outfit, because denim is obviously not enough to protect him from cold London weather. It takes about ten minutes of walk before he's there, he’s glad he made here before he froze.

He enters a 24 hour-diner decorated with unlikely muted colors, but he's so used to being here. The old cream booths look all too familiar. There some unknown people have a meal, probably some hungry long way drivers and some teenagers looking for new places to hang out. He walks up to their usual spot, a booth right next to the kitchen door. It's filthy, smells like grease and only lighted with an old fluorescent lamp but it's all too comfortable. Some familiar faces pass by, smiling and not even asking his orders because they all know too well. There is a new waiter though, he's clumsy yet he fits in just perfectly. The waiter attempts to take an order but their usual waitress stops him before he gets closer.

 He drinks the coffee from an hour earlier while waiting because no one wants fresh coffee at midnight. It takes more than usual for him to appear. But he is here and it's real again. He looks scared, hiding behind a hoodie and a pair of sunglasses but that's nothing new. There are some crazy paparazzi wondering where they go after the shows, following the band members. They even stalk them to their hotels sometimes.

 When he steps closer, standing right next to him all Calum wants to do is pull him into the tightest hug. They smile at each other fondly. He slides to the side, opening a place right next to him for the drummer.

The curly haired boy sits next to him opens the zipper of his hoodie. And the next thing he knows is the drummer is kissing him; it's a really sloppy, rushed kiss. Their noses bump each other, there's too much body liquid and tongue for anyone's liking and they are not exactly aiming their kisses on the lips. They slow down about a minute later. Calum pushes the sunglasses up from drummer's face, still leaving a couple of pecks on his lips.

He hears the giggle of the drummer for the first time in a long run and it feels heavenly. His hands find their places on the other's shoulders. The hazel irises shine brightly even under the dull fluorescent.

"I missed you, Ashton. God damn it, I missed you so fucking much." Ashton nuzzles his nose against his neck, mumbling sweet nothings. They loosen their grips when a fresh plate of food appears on their table. There are some plain pancakes, crispy bacon and fries falling from the plate. It fuller than one person needs but not quite two portions. It's their order, only for them because Ashton's always hungry after shows and Calum never finds the appetite to finish a portion at this hour of the night. So they share, he bites a strip of bacon pushes the rest in to the drummers already full mouth. A little grease gets on some of the freshly washed curls while he tries to reach for the drummer’s mouth. They both giggle.

 Calum asks about the tour eventually and Ashton tells him everything he needs to catch up with. Apparently their guitarist is settling down in London with a girl. It's good news, this means Ashton will be here more than before. They still have two months of tour they need to finish first. It's funny that he knows everything already. He reads on newspaper or online about them nearly every day. Although it's nice to listen him talking.

They finish up and Ashton leaves a generous amount of money on the table. Calum grabs his calloused hand and pulls him out. It's colder than an hour ago but it's okay now that he has Ashton to snuggle. They walk about two blocks before Calum stops to search through his pockets. It's funny when Ashton wraps his arms around his middle and wander with his hands on the brunet's body, pleading that he's helping him. He stops when brunet fishes the car keys out, leaving a fond kiss on his temple.

"Guess, which is the one I rented?" The drummer stares at the cars parked on the both sides of the street. It's not that hard, Calum believes parking under street lights is safer. He guesses the one yet he says something else, clearly mocking with the other.

"That fancy jaguar, isn't it?" Calum's smile spreads widely on his lips.

"Eh, close enough but the correct answer is none." He pushes on the button of the car key. A black Golf's headlights flash. "I fucking bought one!" He announces, skipping towards the car like a five year old.

"Hey don't swear! But that's fucking amazing, babe." They race to the car. Calum opens the door of the driver side once he reaches it, he knows he would drive tonight and Ashton will drive them back the next they. Because Ashton hates being shotgun yet he’s always too sore for driving for a couple of hours after shows.

                Calum rests his arms on the top of the car, smiling cheekily to the drummer. “So where to, babe?”

“I heard that there’s a sick tapas restaurant in Brighton.” Ashton suggests as he shrugs and settles in his place. Calum sits down seconds after that, turning the engine on. He leans to the side and kisses Ashton’s curls.

“That’s about two hours of nap, just so you know.” He smiles before shifting the gear to reverse.

+++

It takes more than two hours because Calum’s a softie and drives slower than usual to let him sleep more. At the end he finds a motel to crash in and parks in front of it. He gets them a room and buys three bottles of energy drink from a vending machine before he comes back to wake Ashton.  It doesn’t take much to wake him, Ashton’s such a light sleeper but it doesn’t keep Ashton from asking a piggy back ride. He makes Ashton take the drinks and the bag he packed yesterday, then he lifts the muscled boy and carries him inside, pressured under the weird looks the motel staff give them. Okay, maybe he looks like serial killer carrying a body in the middle of the night but British people are extra skeptical and grumpy at night time.

He opens the door, and puts Ashton down on the bed. He turns back to close the door as Ashton fully wakes and becomes grabby hands suddenly.  He pulls Calum in from his belt. His fingers dig into the brunet's hips, resting his face on the small of his back. He mumbles incoherent words as he pushes the skinny jeans Calum is wearing down. It's just like clingy mood Ashton's always in after sleep until he feels drummer’s warm lips on his skin, sucking, leaving wet spots behind.

He reaches behind to stroke the golden curls as he whispers. "Let me close the door, baby." It works; he somehow finds a way out of the tight grip. He closes the door quickly, rushing to return the drummer's arms. He trips over his legs on his way, nearly smashing the floor with his face. But it's Ashton's fault, with his tanned torso, all naked and distracting under the disgusting fluorescent lighting. He awes the speed Ashton is capable of undressing. He unbuttons his jeans as he approaches Ashton. He still reaches forward to Calum with the grabby hands of his. It would be adorable he hasn't got the fire in his eyes.

The brunet leans down, putting one of his knees on the bed next to Ashton's hips, getting close as much as he can. Their lips meet half of the way and the kiss taste like past. It's as good as the other times, maybe even better. Because it's now, their lips are slotting together and their tongues brushing each other right this second.

Ashton's hands find their way to his ass, pushing down the jeans till they pool around his knees. He wants to help him but he can't break the kiss he wanted for so long, he craves every touch the drummer can give him. Ashton pulls him down on his lap; their lips loose the coordination for a second until they find the other's skin, both leaving trails hot kisses over their faces. Calum wants to kiss every inch of Ashton's sun-kissed skin, his lips wondering on his neck, pecking every vein, sucking little spots under his ear. He sucks a little harder when he finds drummer's sweet spot; he can feel the long fingers curling on his back, holding onto his muscles. It's satisfying to know he's the reason Ashton looses balance. He wants to mark him up and show it to the world, but Ashton being under public attention all the time prohibits it. So he stops, breathing hard as the latter pulls the collar of his tank top to reach to the skin, peppering little kisses on his collarbones.

He realizes he still has the top half of his clothing on. He takes the denim jacket off while trying to stay as close as possible. He holds the finger pulling his tee, stopping the drummer. Ashton looks up meeting with the deep brown eyes, smiling like a guilty kid. Calum takes his top and jeans then reaching for Ashton's. He roams a little around until he flicks the button with one finger. He can feel the hardening cock under his touch. He knows it won't take much until it's fully hard. He wants to go fast and hard but he has tonight and tonight only till god knows when. That's the hard part of this whole thing. Sometimes they go for months without seeing each other. So he takes it slow, pulling down the jeans, touching everywhere possible, watching the expressions the other is making.

"You look so pretty from down here" His whisper gets lost between the kisses he's leaving on the drummer's thighs. He moves up, kissing the toned stomach, licking near the waistline of the black boxers, tugging them as he bites a little. A moan escapes Ashton's lips; he grabs brunet’s shoulder tightly pulling him up. "Up." That is the only word leaving his lips. He looks like he's about to lose his control. Calum obeys immediately, crawling up until their faces are inches away.

"Let me..." Ashton whispers slowly, he pushes the raven curls out of Calum's face. He’s not capable of full sentences right now but it all makes sense. "Take it slow…  Wanna make love to you..."

It's just so much when Ashton flips them over and looks right into his eyes. He giggles as Calum makes a funny face at him, because they never really are serious about anything. But then curly haired boy is grinding down, and the friction is breath taking even with the multiple layer of fabric. He rocks his hips back at Ashton's, his hands finding the curls on the nape of other's neck. He pulls him in, his tongue slips between kiss bruised lips.

They are a moaning mess not long after. Ashton's clothes find their place on the room’s floor alongside with Calum's boxer briefs. It's a burning sensation, the skin to skin touch; it plays with every nerve end of his body. It's ridiculous how hard he is already, he wants to climax so badly and it gets worse when Ashton gets off of him. Calum watches him walk around with his tones body; honestly he gives a great view of his ass as he walks around. The curly haired boy grabs one of the energy drinks, opening and swigging the half of it while he searches through the bag Calum brought. The brunet couldn't help but wrap a hand around his cock, looking for even the slightest bit of friction, trying to calm himself at the same time.

Ashton comes back a minute after, pushing the half full can in Calum's hand and putting the lube bottle he found down on the sheets. He doesn't say a word but the brunet knows how simple things when he’s around Ashton. They share everything, even things like razors when they both have to attend a serious place. So he drinks the rest of the drink without any question and squeezes the can in his palm, throwing somewhere. He can care less about it because Ashton is between his legs now, leaving wet kisses on his thighs and kitten licking his cock but still avoiding his hole. It's hard to live with anticipation; he knows what Ashton's impossibly long fingers are capable of. So Calum just grabs the lube bottle and throws it to Ashton's shoulder. "Just get going. I've waited enough, haven't I?" He mutters and receives a giggle with a cold lubed finger pushed against his asshole half a minute later. His muscles are tense at first when Ash pushes the first knuckle in but the boy is very talented with his fingers and makes it less awkward for Calum as he goes all the way.

Calum's breath gets unsteady with every movements of Ashton's hand but he can't stop himself from nearly begging for more.

He collects all the strength in him and looks down. His eyes meet Ashton's and the hazel pair is so full of affection it makes his heart skip a beat. There's a disturbing yet utterly beautiful feeling in his stomach as the other's empty hand massages on his belly and sides. The situation they are in is already so uncomfortable, all these emotions making it worse. So he lets his head fall on the duvet and mocks about it. "Maybe I should have brought some candles and a Maroon5 CD so you could make this a romantic scene." He feels a second finger enter him a second after, it's Ashton's way to tell him shut up. He's scissoring him as his forehead is pressed against Calum's stomach. Soon enough there is three fingers in him as Ashton opens the brunet slowly and carefully causing loud groans. And Ashton could swear to god that Calum's moans are the most pornographic thing he ever heard, they are electric and sentimental. Ashton can barely concentrate on what he's doing.

"Ash, please..." Calum whines after a while. If he continues this session, it will end soon for Calum. So Ashton rolls a condom on his cock, lines himself and pushes in slowly while he kisses the pain away, because even though the tightness around him feels like heaven he can't stand the painful expression on the brunet's face. He knows it stings at first, so he gives him the time he needs, kissing every tense muscle on his face. Then Calum wraps one of his legs around his waist and pulls him in, whispering him to move.  It's a wish becoming his command as he starts rocking. His thrusts aren't deep as they can be at first but it doesn't take them much to find their usual rhythm. Ashton's hips are crashing against Calum's ass and they can hear the cheap hotel bed creak. He grabs the brunet's waist and steadies his hips on a higher position so he can fuck into him easier. "Oh god, you look so good Cal." He knows how to find the other's prostate, and as he fucks deeper he gets a desperate whine from Calum, telling him he has already found it. He can feel getting closer to the edge, but he wants to satisfy Calum first. "Touch yourself babe." He demands as he chases his orgasm. Calum finds his realize with a hand around his cock, stroking through his orgasm as Ashton still fucks him. He breathes Ashton's name several times, spilling in his fist and on his stomach, making a mess. There's a beautiful sheen of sweat covering him and he's too out of this world to open his eyes. Ashton follows him not long after, pressing his lips against brunet's neck and mumbling on his tan skin. Calum's name is like mantra on his lips now. He just can't help himself; he wants to worship this boy. He pulls out, letting Calum's ass fall onto the sheets, he knows even the brunet's strong muscles can't handle an orgasm. He lies next to him, smiling as he watches the ceiling.

There are some smoke stains on it and Calum's adding more by lighting a cigarette. His body is so impossibly on its prime he can get up after getting fucked. He's already over the aftershocks of his orgasm; he puts the cigarette between his lips and goes to open a window. He knows how much Ashton hates the idea of him smoking. But there's still a smile on his lips when he exhales the smoke, because his beautiful boy is still lying on the bed, so worn out after concert and the physical effort they put in sex. His smile grows when he sees even with the tiredness the boy still resists against closing his eyes. "Do you want another drink? We can sleep?" He asks, sitting right next to him. He winches in pain, it hurts to sit even more than walking around. 

"Nah just lay down with me." Calum inhales the smoke one more time before he puts out the cigarette, not even close to smoking half way. But it's not important when he can cuddle with Ashton. His nicotine stained fingers find their ways to the golden curls, scraping gently on his sculp. He lets Ashton nuzzle on his neck and rest his head on his shoulder. It's full of peace and hope in that moment, like they can be together forever and more, like drummer won't leave him when it's morning.

"I need to talk to you, Calum." Ashton whines, clearly something's bothering him. He stares up to Calum. 

"You can, baby." He doesn't look anywhere else but the hazel eyes, assuring that everything will be okay. But not long after Ashton breaks their gaze.

"If I don't tell you this, I'll feel like it's not fair to you." He gulps visibly, pushing himself away. "Cath wants to get back together."

Calum's brain can't process the words. He furrows his brows, looking down to Ashton to find a sensible thing. He starts laughing, so hard that Ashton gets up with concern in his eyes. That doesn't make sense, how the fuck the curly haired boy touched him with love minutes ago... His face hardens suddenly, propping himself on his elbows. "Ash, she fucked you over how many times? Five? Six? TEN?" He can't help himself but yell. It's too fucking much and his heart hurts. 

"It's not like that, Calum." Drummer whispers. Calum's eyes are watering; he gets up to hide them, his hands shaping punches as a defense mechanism

"Is this some kind of sick joke?" Ashton tries to reach him, but he's faster and backs away immediately. "Don't you even dare! You can't just whisper sweet things in my ear and touch my skin, knowing you'll be in a relationship with someone else." He grabs his jeans and starts dressing, not even bothering with underwear. His hands are shaky not helping him at all.

"Calum, can you stop?!" Ashton gets closer swiftly, grabbing his wrists. He looks like a kicked puppy but that trick shouldn't work on him right now. He hates how whipped he is for Ashton. "I just can't come out and scream the world, I like a boy. If I don't do this she will do it and they will crush me. That's not how I want to live." He pushes Ashton hard; the curly haired boy stumbles back and nearly falls.

"You are a prick." He throws a punch absent-mindedly, it hits Ashton's chin. It probably doesn’t break but there's a little trail of blood on his lips. Drummer doesn't fight back but he whispers Calum's name.

He can't handle this anymore. He collects his clothes from the floor and grabs his phone before he leaves. He basically runs to his car, earning looks from the night shift staff. He wears his shoes in the car. He wants to go, get away fast as possible but he can't leave Ashton here all alone. He knows he's not capable of being alone with Ashton in a tiny place for two hours. It's too much to even think of. So he grabs his phone makes a call to drummer's band mates before he runs the engine and push the gas pedal.

+++

 

It's not even two months after; he receives an envelope with two tickets to his show. The idea is ridiculous because he knew where they'd drive this time last time he saw him. They would go north and find a country house for a couple of days to crash in. It hurts so much because he knows his schedule better than his own name. Where did he go, when was the concert, what time they would leave the stage... He laughs when he takes of the tickets for the first time because it's always three days before the concert and it's always two tickets like Calum would bring company with him.

Then it's impossible to stop desperate sobs coming out of him. He's glad both Mikey and Luke's out for work so he isn't embarrassing himself. He haven't read anything about him and Cath on the magazines, the fan sites don't know anything. But he's pretty sure she's with the drummer, clinging on his arm right now. There's that hard pressure in his chest that washed him with sadness over the last weeks. He puts the tickets on the top of the dinner table and walks back to his room, closes the door behind him so his dog can't enter in. He doesn't need her to be reminder of the drummer. He still has his pajama pants and a basic band tee on from the night before so he doesn’t bother with changing when he falls on to the mattress.

He didn't get a call from him after the day after the incident. One of his band mates texted Calum, informing they had found him. He waited for someone to appear and say it was a nasty joke at first, then everything came on top of him but he still hoped for a sorry. He returned from the edge of calling the drummer himself so many times, but eventually he gave up. There was no call, no text, nothing...

He closes his eyes, pulling the duvet over his face and forces himself to sleep. Everything hurts less in sleep.

+++

He wakes up because there's something heavy on top of him. He peeks out of his hiding space to meet with mint green irises. Michael smiles lazily, pulling the covers off Calum. "So, are we sleeping the weekend away?" He looks around to find the room nearly dark. It's probably early evening.

"Where's Luke?" He mumbles, his voice is cracked sounding like a frog and his lips are chapped. He needs to find some water; he can easily do that later.

"He's walking Ketchup. They left like an hour ago, they'll be back soon." He gets off of Calum, grabbing a bottle of water he probably brought earlier. It's something Michael does, he always brings water in case of need. He gives it to the brunet, sitting on the side of the bed.

It feels great against his sore throat and he can feel gaining control over his body again. "Mike, go to the concert. I know you like them and the douche bag I am, I never brought you with me. I can never have this opportunity ever again. I want you two to use it." It's the most he talked in a week and the most explanatory thing he said in a month.

"You sure, mate? We don't have to." Michael is hesitant, his soft side wants to stay with Calum, be a good friend but these concerts are always epic. It's a good offer to be honest.

The brunet holds his hand softly.

"It's too expensive to afford. Just have fun." He tries to sound flat, not letting his emotions float.

"You are really leaving him, aren't you?"

"Yeah..." Mikey just pats his hair before he leaves.

+++

He's not sure why he is here nor why did he even leave his room. It's cold outside and a leather jacket is clearly not enough. He can't believe himself that he walked all the way to here, so when he finds himself in the warmth of the diner it seems like a good idea.

The waitress that usually takes their orders leaves a mug of hot coffee on thetable. She's about to turn away and help other costumers when Calum grabs her wrist and ask for an omelet. She looks shocked because he had never ordered something else than their usual ever but she nods and goes to the kitchen.

This place feels like so much, even though there's at least an hour before the show ends. Sitting at the same spot he waited for him countless times is overwhelming. Every memory he has with the drummer hits him. He wants all of them to go away, pulling his hair. He should have stayed at home; he shouldn't have left Ketchup alone. But he still remembers the day Ashton brought her over, everything gets worse.

The waitress brings his order soon enough and he manages to not shed a tear during his meal. Even when everything annoys him, he controls himself. He eats in silence while his thoughts are drowning his brain. He pays just enough to cover the check, throwing some apologies between sentences when he asks for the bill. He's not Ashton. He has money to keep going but it's not enough to leave hundred bucks of tips. But the waitress seems understanding, patting his shoulder with a fond smile.

He gets out because he doesn't want to face Ashton. It's not even emotions anymore, he's just angry with him. His love for the drummer isn't even relevant when it’s about fucking life up.

He lights a cigarette and finds himself leaning to the wall next to the diner. He wants to go home but can’t get himself doing it. He inhales the smoke, watching his surroundings lazily. The air is thick and heavy; he suspects that it will stay dry for long. He closes his eyes, can’t believe how he wants to see him one last time. He's scared of running in his arms, screaming his love but he's better than that. He can control his actions, can’t he?

The drummer arrives to diner about fifteen minutes later, this time not even covering up. He stops in the middle of the way to their booth, his muscled body stills; he looks around as Calum could sit somewhere else. It's funny how this caught the drummer off guard. Calum laughs silently, exhaling clouds of smoke.

Then he sees how Ashton slowly walks to the booth, sits down and waits. He has the darkest under eye bags Calum has ever seen on the beautiful face of his. He looks tired, like he hadn't slept for days. Calum hadn’t. The brunet knows how their fans complain about how shitty he has been on the stage on the latest shows. He wonders if all the speculations about playing so badly could cause his career. He would be sad if that happens to Ashton because he honestly loves their music, his music.

For a second he considers going in, running to him. But he still carries the scars he left. Even though the thing between them wasn’t a relationship, Calum tried everything he could do for him. Catherine was poisoning Ashton slowly through their relationship and he honestly tried to pull his loved one out of it. It didn't hit him until the night he got screwed that everything he had done was meaningless. Nothing mattered.

He flicks the butt of is cigarette away before turning around. He starts walking to home with the knowledge of how deeply in love he is and how his love didn't mattered.

**Author's Note:**

> I give you the permission of killing me. I know I deserved it. Thank you for reading.


End file.
